A few months ago, as I was wallowing around in the reality of my pending birthday,  I got the idea to reach out to my woman circle to get their thoughts on aging. I was so excited about this prospect of understanding their perspective.  Some of them on the brink of 50 like me, some with it far in their rear view mirror, others so distant from it they couldn’t possibly be able to see it looming.   It was this great cross section of living that I was eager to understand. I sent an email imploring them to reveal their truth.  And then I set about waiting.  And waiting.   A small handful responded and the rest were silent. The words I received were an amazing gift (I’ll get to those later) but the silence, the silence provoked something else entirely unexpected.  The silence forced me to pause.  It enabled me to step outside and look back in to examine all of the things that could be residing there in that quiet. And from that, came this.

 

 

Meaning

I reached into my circle.  I spread my arms wide and gathered them up, pulling them in tight. I unloaded my worry and laid it at their feet imploring them to pay attention. I longed for their company in this place I had put myself in.  Saddled up beside these women of mine, our worries linked,  our trepidation common.  I placed my demands on them as we are want to do when we think we are the center. I wanted their truth, their wisdom, their everything.  I wanted to go inside, roam around in their thinking until I got my fill, satiated with their knowing.

Silence.

I lingered in their quiet.   I circled around that noiseless space pacing its floor, brooding.  I ran the halls, combed through every corner, rummaging around for I don’t know what. Searching and seeking until I was weary of it all.   Finally, in the perfect still I quieted.  I quieted.  In the still and the silence  I caught their words;   Joy, gratitude, regret, ambivalence, peace, dissonance, mortal, shame, bravery, liberation, resistance, denial, strength, beauty, courage, irrelevance, acceptance, insignificance, empowered, emboldened, mighty,  freed.  One by one,  I caught their words. One by one, I caught their words and found my meaning.